The Trouble with My Horstman(n) Family


Lets begin with the most recent trouble maker of this family, a woman named Margaret Demuth who married my relative Hank Horstmann, son of Henry Horstman, Jr. whom was known to me as my Uncle Henry growing up, who was the brother of my grandmother Mary Katherine Horstmann and son to Emma Rachel Gaylord and Henry Horstmann, Sr. Margaret is in possession of a painting I did for my grandmother of her parents. Margaret thinks she is hurting me by not returning the painting which is of sentimental value as it has my grandmother’s essence on it, but she ain’t hurting me as G-d said, “Thou shalt not steal”. Let her have it and let it be a curse to her.

I wrote the following on Facebook to her, but she complained and had it taken down. She won’t have it taken down from here! LOL

Here is a partial screen grab of what Margaret had taken down and the full text I have transcribed below the photo:

“Margaret Horstman, you are not a descendant of the Gaylord’s or the Horstman’s, but you have a big mouth and think you have some right to speak on my family’s behalf, but you don’t. Just because you married Hank doesn’t mean diddly to this family. You’ve not been a blessing to this family. You are a thief as you are keeping my painting just to hurt me emotionally because it’s the only thing I would have that I made especially for my grandmother who is dead, who by the way hated you and she told me many stories about you I will not repeat, but from what she told me it’s no wonder you are keeping my painting by theft that you know has a very sentimental meaning to me as it still has my grandmother’s essence on it and my uncle Henry’s essence on it, two people who meant NOTHING TO YOU. You are just evil because you think it hurts me to keep my painting. Well, I’ll tell you something, my lawyer says she could force you to return it and cost you thousands in legal fee’s and she wouldn’t charge me a penny to do it because she really dislikes evil people like you who claim to be “Christian”, but are everything but a Christian…Christians do not take what is not their property and she said the judge would reverse the former judges decision to allow you to have it because it is my personal creative effort. I am the artist who created the painting. But I’ll tell you this…the sentimental feelings I have for my grandmother that are attached to my painting are locked in my heart, not that painting, and and I told my lawyer I would not purse suing you the return of my painting. The rabbi’s instructed me that because of your evil deed that a curse would be pronounced upon you and Hank and that’s good enough for me. The painting is now cursed so you just enjoy keeping it just to hurt me. It’s not gonna hurt me anymore. I’ve let it go. Enjoy it even though you are are not even a Horstmann, but simply a wicked woman, a “Jezebel” as my grandmother Mary Katherine Horstmann-Hall-Washburn used to refer to you as…. Enjoy your curse from G-d YHVH and His Son Yashua”.

This whole thing got started long before I came along. It all started with the Matriarch of the Horstmann Family, a slave born to my 3rd great grandfather Charles Gaylord. His half Black/half White son Charles Judah Gaylord, Jr. was a mulatto born into slavery in 1852. He married A Scottish woman of Jewish ancestry by the name of Mary Susannah Morrison and their daughter Emma Rachel Gaylord married Henry Horstmann and together they began my Horstmann family.

Margaret Demuth who married my grandmother’s nephew Hank Horstmann, son of Henry Horstmann Jr. is the trouble maker here. I wrote a facebook message to my cousin Tammie Horstmann, who by the grace of G-d did not become my wife. I went to church and high school with cousin Tammie who used to uncomfortably joke towards me that we are far enough apart to be married. Her grandfather who didn’t like her warned me about her going down a bad road and to steer clear of her, and my grandmother, his sister, told me the same thing. I wasn’t long after that Tammie has tried to make the moves on me sexually that she got out church and committing the sin of fornication got pregnant and G-d judged her for it by giving birth to an afflicted child who eventually died. The sins of the fathers…. the sins of the mother’s too!

Then along comes Mattie Horstmann-Davis who was another child born of fornication by another Horstmann woman that nobody in the family will own up to knowing who she was, but she had sex with Black man and out came Mattie looking too Black to keep so was abandoned and was taken in as a foster child by Teresa Davis. Me wonders if Teresa Davis could be a distant family relation to Ann Davis who was the grandmother of my grandfather Odes Hall???

Poor Mattie only wants to know where she comes from, but she is a girl who suffers from several mental disorders and no wonder having been rejected by her mother on the sole basis she was born looking Black instead of White.

Mattie Horstmann-Davis

Mattie is a very angry young woman who’s first contact with me on was to tell me off about using the word “Negro” to describe my race and ancestry. She also derided me for the title of my book, The Dark Secret of the Horstmann Family: Out of Slavery in Goshen, Kentucky. She took offense to “dark family secret” as it was a play on the darker color of my skin and some members of my Negro race descended family. I now have direct contact with descendants of the slave who bore my great-great grandfather and they all have the average Negro attributes just like Mattie, with the kinky hair, negroid features of the face, and skin town, albeit that Mattie is a light skinned girl, like coffee and cream, not ashy Black like some of my family.

I embrace with love all my family and I’m proud of my Black African heritage and I will shout it from the rooftops. Do you know that Moses in the Bible took Black wife and the Israelites grumbled and G-d punished them for their racism. King Solomon was half white/half Black as his father was King David and Bathsheba a very dark Ethiopian Negress. People need to get over their idiotic racism because G-d will punish you for it like his did Aaron and his sister who mocked Mose’s Black wife.

I’m fighting as hard as I can for Mattie even though she is very mentally disturbed and hateful. I will get to the bottom of this for G-d said there is no sin done in secret that will not be made known and I’m the servant of YHVH and it is not me who lives, but YHVH who in his sonship as Yashau HaMsheekah (Aramaic for the English Yashua the Messiah) lives in me. I love the Creator who made me and I am His slave/servant because He has been so good to me and blessed my life beyond measure, even when I was not deserving, but as we know the Scripture says, “Those whom he foreknew he predestined”. His hands formed me in my mother’s womb and His hand(s) have never ceased to be guiding me. Allah Akbar — G-d is great. Oh, for you uneducated folks, Elohim is the same as Allahim. Eloah and Allah are the same words. I know this how? Because I lived in Israel and the country of Jordan in 1998. The Christians in Israel say “Allah”, not “God” which is of the German language. Learn something people in love. 🙂

Let’s see who else do we have that are demonically driven…There is Laura Marx my niece and her daughters who are involved in witchcraft and we all know what the Bible says about those involved in witchcraft….

There’s my relation’s through my great grandmother’s sister Catherine Gaylord who are the Taylors of Indianapolis. Chelsey Taylor started out being nice, but then got nasty with me, and her mother who is not a Gaylord descendant, but married Doug Taylor my family member.

You can see that Chelsy still has some of the traits from Charles Gaylord like dark eyes and the facial features that have been “whitewashed” out of most the family like myself since I’m only 1/32nd Black. I do have curly hair and my skin does tend to darken easily.

Chelsey’s mother instructed all her kids to block me on Facebook because they didn’t want to hear the truth that the “J’esus” they imagine was actually born Jewish to Jewish parent’s Yosef and Maria. They reject that and reject the son’s real name of Yashua as instructed of the angel Gabriel in the Bible they claim to read. How do people get so messed up believing lies? I converted to being Jewish in the year 2000 because I just felt lead to do so and only found out in 2020 I was actually born Jewish to begin with, but my family covered it up because they were ashamed to be Jewish like they were ashamed to be part Negro. I’m not ashamed.

TO BE CONTINUED…. and believe me this will be continued. There are more names and sins to be exposed in this family who has treated me hatefully. “You will be hated of all men for my namesake”… the words of Yashua the Messiah….

CHRISTIANITY: The Satanic anti-Jew religion created by the Adolf Hitler of the day with it’s anti-Mashiach J’esus Kristos


In 312 AD the Roman Emperor Constantine had a big problem on his hands. Jews and Gentile converts to Judaism who believed that the long awaited Messiah had come and fulfilled all the prophecies. Messianic Judaism was spreading like wildfire throughout the Roman Empire and the Jews were threatening to take over and clear the Empire of all the pagan idols and places of worship. Paganism was a big money making business for Rome and Constantine had to figure out a way to get rid of the Jews. He tried rounding them up and cruxifying them as Roman had done to their Messiah, but for every believer that was cruxified, another 1000 would come to faith because of the martyrs. Maybe this was when to old well known adage “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” was born.

Constantine claimed to have seen the sign of the crux appear in the sky that inspired his (fake news) conversion to the faith. His satanic plan was installed to mix paganism with Judaism. The Roman Sun God also became known as the Jewish Messiah Son of “G-d”. The pagan Roman’s worshipped a celtic origin deity called Esus and they blended Esus and the Krishna of Hinduism together to create “Esus Christos” the Messiah of the newly created Universal (Catholic) One World religion.

In the Greek language that was the official State language of the Roman Empire at the time the celtic deity Esus was spelled Esous so their new Catholic Messiah became known as “Esous Christos”. “Esous” was NOT a translation or transliteration of Yashua, Yeshua, Yahushua/Yehoshua,Yahu’sha or anywhere close the divine Hebrew name of the Father YHWH. For the Roman’s to say that they were transliterating was just the fake news of the day to facilitate the hostile takeover of the future of Judaism and Constantine was just many that HaSatan has used over the centuries to try to destroy the Jewish people. Certainly, he was a type and shadow of the Adolf Hitler holocaust to come as Constantine executed many thousands of Jews. Catholicism was famous for feeding Jews and Messianic believers to the lions in the Colosseum. We all know this history. We all know about the the Popes of Catholicism going after Jews in every country they lived to get rid of them. Christopher Columbus was believed to be a Jew who saved many Jews he packed onto his ship as he sailed from Spain.

The King of the Universe said H



I guess the subtitle condensed my story, but for those who like the uncondensed version… 🙂

In the year 2000 I happened upon a book called Fossilized Customs by Lew White. I’ll mention now before I forget, I found his name rather interesting and brought it to his attention that “Lew White” is like Levite. Because of Lew’s great influence on waking up the Lost Tribes of Israel and helping pagan Christianity to also wake up and “Come out of her my people” surely he is a special reincarnated soul of YaHavah (YHVH = The Hebrew Tetragrammaton for Allahim’s sacred name). Lew’s soul reincarnated for “such a time as this to help regather the Lost Sheep of Israel, I being one of them.

I grew up in a broken home with divorced parents and never got to know my birth father till I was 25-years-old. My mother was an atheist and claimed, “Man wrote the Bible and I don’t believe it”. My heart hurts just writing those words. I hope she had a change of heart before she died of cancer at the age of 54 without me by her side because she didn’t want me around anymore after I took it upon myself to seek out my father, the man she hated and divorced because he stood up to her inappropriate behavior. He told me the story of the day the proverbial last straw that broke the camels back happened. He and my two half brothers were at the breakfast table. I think my mother was secretly pregnant with me at the time. John was flicking cereal off his spoon at his brother Henry and my Dad said, “Johnny, don’t do that”. He said my mother flew into a rage and said, “DON’T YOU TELL MY CHILDREN WHAT TO DO!” Surely, as her husband it was his duty to be a father to my brothers and instruct them, but my mother with issues didn’t see it that way. My Father replied, “Okay, I won’t”, and then he told me he unceremoniously got up from the table, left the house and never came back. My Father was a very kind and loving person full of hilarious humor. Obviously, he was too good for my Mother, but oh how I’ve daydreamed many times my Mother would have gone into therapy to work out her issues and become a better person and their marriage would have grown and we all would have been an extremely happy family together with lots of love. 🙁 YHVH has a reason for everything in our lives that happens to bring about our destinies.

I never got the chance to know my maternal grandfather. He passed away when my mother was 9 years old. I was never told anything about him, but my grandmother shared a photograph of him and showed me his old violin she had kept after he passed away. In the 30 years she had his violin tucked away in the attic it had dry rotted from the hot summer heat and probably was beyond restoration, but the Prussian soldier on the back of the violin created with wood inlay was still vibrant.

My grandfather’s violin was kept in the attic storage area under the (facing) right side of the roof in the upstairs of this house. This house no longer exists as the people who bought the property after my grandmothers death removed the house and all the farm buildings, even filled in our pond and lake. The present owners are a development company who has been hoping to sell the 20 acres to be developed into a subdivision. Well, I got news for them. The soil is thick with clay and don’t perk. Everytime it rains the entire property holds water and septic systems struggle to work and so other than cattle or horse grazing land the acreage is worthless. They should have done their research before buying the land. They snatched it up quick not knowing the facts and it will probably never sell. Anybody who buys it would have to do a lot of special work amend the soil wherever a septic system would be installed and that would be cost prohibitive. There is also the matter of family graves scattered around the 20 acres that only my family knows about and graves cannot be disturbed by building. The owners bought a lemon. We had to work very hard for years to cultivate even a small garden spot because the soil is so poor. In the summer months the content of clay in the soil drys and the ground splits open looking like and earthquake happened and then underneath all the property are sink holes from the underground water on the property that causes bogs here and there–I remember more than once having a car, truck, or tractor having to be pulled out of a bog or a sink hole opening up we would fill with whatever junk we could and would pray one didn’t open up near the house and take the house with it.

On the left is the ramp a kind neighbor built to get grandma in and out of the house in the wheelchair when she couldn’t walk after her stroke months before her passing. My bedroom was over on the right where you see the other porch swing sitting on the floor of the porch underneath my bedroom window. It’s the bedroom grandpa Washburn died in and after his death it became my bedroom. I’ll never forget that orange paisley print wallpaper.

The porch swing that was taken down to make way for the ramp was the swing my grandmother always sat in. I have sweet memories of my Oldham County high school days in the summertime when we’d save a bunch of cream from Rosey our milk cow that Uncle Henry Horstmann Jr sold us and we’d get out the old hand crank ice cream maker and sit under the dogwood tree that you can’t see to the left of the ramp and we’d make peach ice cream from the peaches on the old peach tree just inside the old garden gate in the old garden spot. Grandma would tell me stories about the big ice chest her family had when she was a girl and dad, Henry Horstmann Sr. would bring ice from the river where that was his job transporting ice up and down the river on a barge. Granny said they’d have ice cream every night of the week in the summertime.
This is my maternal great grandfather Henry Horstmann Sr. and great grandmother Emma Rachel Gaylord-Horstmann in a painting I created for a present for my grandmother Mary Katherine Horstmann-Hall-Washburn. The old turn of the century photograph was broke in half and very worn and I had to totally recreate Emma’s hat and her left hand which where worn away on the original photo. I created this painting by transferring the photo to a canvas instead of photographic paper and then just painted color back into their cheeks, so to speak. Upon my grandmother’s death I gave the painting to my Uncle Henry Horstmann, Jr. asking him to be sure to have the painting returned to me upon his death as it has great sentimental value due to the memories of how it made my grandmother weep with joy as she said, “This is the first time I’ve seen my parent’s the way I remember them looking in living color”. My painting was never returned to me upon my Uncle Henry’s death even though I’d given him my South Dakota address and we’d exchanged a few phone calls before he died. My painting is now in the possession of the wife of Hank Horstmann. Her name is Margaret and she had refused to return my painting. How evil is that? She could have a fine photo made of the painting that would look just as good on her wall, but she is keeping my painting because she knows it’s a way to hurt me by keeping my artwork and a sentimental object connected to my grandmother whom I gave it to. Margaret married into my family so obviously she doesn’t have the heart of family or any compassion for my loss. It’s very sad and the even sadder thing is that I’m going to have to take legal action to have MY ARTWORK and PERSONAL PROPERTY returned to me as it should have been upon the death of my Uncle Henry Horstmann, Sr.

No Kentuckian can ever tell a short story can they? lol Let me get back on track telling the story about my biological grandfather Odes Hall…

When I asked Granny how Odes passed away she told me a different story than his death certificate documented that I uncovered through my ancestry research. I assume she was ashamed about what really took his life so she made up a story to protect his memory?

My grandmother remarried and the only grandfather I knew when I came along in 1964 was affectionately known by the small LaGrange, Kentucky community I grew up in as “Doc Washburn” their local dentist. I spent most of my life being raised by my grandparents. In fact, my mother didn’t want me when I was born and I went straight from the hospital to my grandparents care for the first three months of my life till my mother decided to she’d keep me.

When grandpa Washburn died in 1974 it was the first family death for me and the whole experience got me to thinking about death, afterlife, and “G-d”. Mom had taken me and my half sister of blessed memory to Shelbyville Road Mall where she was looking for a book she wanted from the Walden Book Store. I found a book I wanted to and I asked mother if I could have it. She looked at it and noticed it was a children’s Bible and she asked, “Are you sure you want that?” I emphatically stated I was very sure.

Here is my Children’s Bible from 1974

I remember the night my mother told me grandpa had died. Before grandma called with the news we’d had spaghetti for supper and I was so emotionally upset that I became violently ill and the stuffed animal “Mousey” I used to sleep with got covered in spaghetti. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget the lonely days ahead after my grandpa of blessed memory had been laid to rest. Memories flood my mind now as tears flood my eyes one more time for his memory. I can see that green suit jacket I wore and remember spending a lot of time outside the Radcliff Funeral home and the side door steps killing time while all the preparations were being made to load grandpa into the hearse to take him to the Valley of Rest that warm November day in 1974.

After grandpa was gone me and grandma grew closer than ever before. I didn’t know how much she needed me cause I was just an unaware kid who was kinda awkward about talking about important things with adults, but my grandmother and I were like best friends and I’ve often said, “We shared a soul”.

Myself and my grandmother Mary Katherine Horstmann-Hall-Washburn in the kitchen at the farm house that was the place I called home for 40 years of my life. To the left of the sink you will notice a small dish liquid soap dispenser. I keep a small soap bottle at my sink to wash dishes with today to always be a reminder of the blessing my grandmother was to my life. I really miss that old house now.

When my grandmother died all I wanted to do was leave because I was so heartbroken that my best friend was gone and that farm held so many happy memories that, at the time, were part of my grieving process. I couldn’t even sit at the kitchen table alone and eat without her there. I had to return to my closed up home in South Dakota.

I know this story is slow going, but there are so many memories along the way that pop in. Sorry. I’m attempting to create a timeline of events in my life that document a crazy and uncanny Wilderness experience that only “G-d” Himself could have predestined for this lifetime on earth in this year 2020 when we begin to hear the footsteps of coming of the Messiah.

After grandpa Washburn died I’d read my Bible and I remember having my Bible with me on the front lawn of my home and I’d pick four-leaf clovers and save them in pages. I really cherished my Bible with it’s condensed stories from Genesis to Revelation. Yes, it was a Christian religion Children’s Bible. My mother didn’t raise me with any faith. When I questioned her about her faith she told me, “Man wrote the Bible and I don’t believe in it”. That made me sad because I knew in my heart that “G-d” was my friend. I understood that He re-incarnated Himself into human form to redeem us and heal us from our hopeless sinful condition with an amended Covenant. I always wondering why it was called “New Covenant” as if it had been replaced by something completely new. All I saw was “G-d” got fed up with Israel continuing to forsake Him for idols and how strange it was when “G-d” showed up in human form that they who followed after idols happily would then accuse those who believed that the Messiah of idolatry when it was indeed “G-d” come in the flesh to get the job done once and for all.

So, I never had any religious instruction in my youth. It was just me, The Book, and “G-d” alone as my instructor.

TO BE CONTINUED…..19 October 2020



Before I begin: A note to my readers…

This blog is rather personal and it is about a girl named Arlene Phyllis Hogan who changed my life. She was, and I guess is, the love of my life. I met her at age 14 in school. We spend a school year getting to know each other, lost touch over the summer break, but then a friend of me handed me a note with a phone number on it the first week of school, saying it was from some girl who knew me and wanted me to call. I called and was surprised to find out it was the red-headed friend of another girl that had liked me that previous year we all went to Alex G. Barret Middle School together.

Phyllis sent me this photo of herself on her birthday October 23, 2008. She looks just as lovely as she did when I met her when she was 13. She wasn’t arrayed in fancy pearls back then 🙂 Where’d you get those pretty pearls? You are a gemologist so I guess you’ve collected a lot of jewelry. I wonder if you still have the Krementz gold promise bracelet I gave you before giving you an official engagement ring.

[Edit 16 November 2020: Today I heard the song “Golden Ring” sung by Tammy Wynette and George Jones, the song G-d used to draw me too Him after you dumped me and I spend two weeks in the hospital after trying to suicide. I sat in my bedroom looking at your engagement ring and listening to that song and G-d spoke to me and I began reading the Bible. Not my condensed stories Children’s Bible, but I purchased a regular full version Bible and read it through 3 times. Then in April when I turned eighteen I moved back to Kentucky to live with my grandmother as planned and had begun talking to you on the phone wanting to eventually work towards us meeting and me giving you your ring, but things didn’t happen the way I wanted. I don’t blame you, but G-d had other plans for me and for you. You ran off with some guy you didn’t even know and married him just weeks after my arrival. When I found out you married I was so shocked and hurt. Here I was still following the plan we made before my family ever left Kentucky and you rejected it and look how your life turned out. A hellish marriage with a severely controlling and abusive man, no children. He don’t allow you to have a car or your own life. I’m so sorry Phyllis. I know you have suffered greatly at his hands and now you don’t have your mother for consolation. I know she your rock during your marriage. Now your rock must be Yeshua the Messiah. Had I had an inkling that anything like this would have ever happened to you I would have run away from home and married you before age 18. My mistake was being the good boy always wanting to do what was good and right. I believe that all things work together for good for those who love G-d. I hope you love G-d, Phyllis. (end of edit)

I know Ireland is a big place. Her ancestors and mine both came from there before landing in America. Mine left Scotland to hide out in Ireland after the Battle of Culloden in 1745 to escape The Clearances where many Scottish families were genocided by the British for being connected to the battle. Could Phyllis and I have shared another lifetime together in the 1700’s? It’s a nice idea that fuels the imagine for the book I’m still writing about our life together. I have to admit for this part of my epic biographic novel was inspired by the Outlander Series created by Diana Gabaldon where my poor heart imagines us as the starcrossed couple James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser and Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser. In the series though I have the red hair and Phyllis has my dark hair lol. As souls have no sex perhaps the roles were reversed back in the day? Regardless, it’s a beautiful love story filled with all the drama and excitement of Scotland of the 1700’s when the British were taking Scotland by force as part of their “United Kingdom” that put an end to the Kings of Scotland. It’s a series full of Scottish history that Scottish people in Scotland even love to watch and they learn things about their history they didn’t know. Diana Gabaldon actually has written one of my ancestors into her books from where the series was created. My Scottish ancestor did not make the cut for scenes in the series, but it’s really an erie connection having one of my own ancestor’s in a series that I’m so drawn to. I secretly hope Phyllis has been watching the series too and views like I do in my imagine as our love story being played out in another lifetime. This is a right nice clip that is a bit of a trailer for the series that summarizes the first two seasons of the series

I believe in destiny. I cannot deny she was drawn to contact me for a reason. She should have went on with her high school years and forgot about me, but she didn’t. There was something that inspired her to call my old friend Sammy Murphy and give him her number for me to call. How she ever remembered his name I’ll never know. I think she must have liked me a lot before I ever knew it.

We spoke on the phone a lot and one day the suggestion came up, her’s or mine I don’t remember, but we were gonna see each other again and I said I could ride my 10-speed over to her house for a visit. I met her mom and her sister Linda. Her mother was a red head like my mom too. We spent an afternoon sitting the front porch swing flipping through the pages of our yearbook and reminiscing about all the characters and personalities we had gone to school with. I have to admit that I’d had no thoughts about her as I had been kinda seeing another girl, but that having ended and with no commitments I found my heart attracted to Phyllis and I know the feeling was mutual. We fell in love.

We saw a lot of each other that fall of 1978. She’d taken on an after school job a small ice cream parlor own by Grover and Geneva Davis. We used to call Mrs. Davis “Old 95” cause she had this amusing habit of throwing her head back to look through her glasses that were down on her nose to see the buttons on the cash register and ring “Ninetyyyy-five”, the price of a Buddy Bar or something. lol How coincidental that Geneva passed away at age 95. See her obituary.

To make a long story short, my mother remarried and decided we would all move to Florida and after 14 months of dating and becoming secretly engaged with a “engagement bracelet” (I guess it was like a promise bracelet) Phyllis and I were forced apart. If I hadn’t been such a well-trained “good boy” I would have lied and told my mom that Phyllis was pregnant with my child and we can’t move and we could have been married and while a deception it would have accomplished the salvation of the only love of my life that left me for another when she claims she didn’t think I was being true to her and she dumped me and when she would not take me back I lost my will to live and suicided. Two weeks later after getting out of the hospital and her mom and my mom talking about what Phyllis’s actions had caused she knew how serious I was and loved her and there was no other and she agreed to take me back. My mother arranged a trip at holiday time that December and she helped me finance an engagement ring that I had in my pocket to give to Phyllis at the perfect moment.

That perfect moment didn’t happen. I thought it was going to happen when her mother ran an errand to the store real quick and I though now was that moment to present her with the ring. She asked me to come upstairs to her bedroom. She went in and flopped on the bed as I stood in the doorway ready to present her with the ring (that I still have), but I was stopped dead in my tracks when she opened her mouth before I could and said something that ruined everything. I’m not gonna repeat it here because it was too private and too heartbreaking for me, but what she asked me broke my heart all over again. Well, time rolls on and heals all wounds they say. When you love someone the forgiveness never ends, until the day they cause you not to love them anymore. Well, a broken heart doesn’t mean you don’t love someone anymore. It means just the opposite. I’ve never stopped loving the one girl that was meant for me that was to have my children that never got the chance to be born. That’s okay though. She married the wrong man, a horribly abusive man and she is afraid he will murder her if she tries to leave him, so out of fear she has stayed with him all these years.

My heart healed in the year that followed that disappointing December when I didn’t give her the ring, but that ring was still hot in my pocket and I carried it with me for the purpose of trying again when I moved back to Kentucky at age 18 with plans to marry her. Little did I know she had already up and married Patrick Hickey, a guy she hardly knew and definitely didn’t love, and never has loved, and she’s paid a heavy price for it. Now her rock, her mother is deceased and she has nobody to talk to so she just plays the role of wife with her abuser and honors her wedding vow “till death do us part. I just hope it’s his death and not her death and that I get to see her again this side heaven.


Phyllis, I mailed your birthday card today 19 October 2020. The card is a mess. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it and the pen wouldn’t write on the shiny card surface so I switched to a red permanent marker…ugh. There was hardly room to write pleasant and cohesive thoughts and well wishes so I hope that first birthday card in over 30 years will not frighten you like it’s from crazed stalker lol. I just love you and I always have and there’s not been a year go by that I didn’t remember your birthday with joy and tears of what should have been.

I hope the card gets there before or on the 23rd. I hope Patrick doesn’t see it and get nosey demanding to know who it’s from and throw a fit. In my heart I cannot apologize for this action that could cause you some trouble with him. I don’t want you to suffer any consequences, but you’ve left me no other way to make contact. Joan was b*tch to me on when we exchanged messages. You’ve made the best of your mistake by staying married to an abusive man you should have never married and that makes me proud of you because I know if it would have been me you married I’d have a faithful and true love for life. I think I still do, but you are just in a horrible situation that I’m probably making worse and for that I do apologize. You married the wrong man. You deprived us both of the children we were supposed to have, the ones G-d had for us. I still have the ungodly expensive engagement ring I never gave to you the day you broke my heart at your mother’s house when you tried to entice me to have sex before marriage. I had it in my pocket that day and my mother was expecting to gather me up that day after our visit and hear the good news, but instead you crushed me by not honoring the sacredness of marriage. Well, see what you got yourself into? I’m not blaming or shaming. I’m just saying what you already know. We would have had a beautiful life… My grandmother was agreeable to let us build a home on her 20 acres down by the lake and eventually you would have owned and drove you own car to work at Prospect Jewelers. We were young, yes, but we were in love and right for each other. I don’t know if you’ll ever humble yourself to tell me all the issues you had going on that made you up and marry that abusive controlling asshole who’s made your life a living nightmare. I know you are scared he’ll try to kill you if you leave him so I know all you can do is honor the vow you took, “till death do us part”, but I hope it will be his death and not your own that will gain you freedom from the prison you created. If you haven’t watched it already, get a DVD set of the Outlander series and watch it and I know you’ll realize why I’m so attached to this series with Jamie and Claire. In my heart it’s like you and I in another lifetime. It’s been the inspiration for my life story/novel combination where I place you and I in the civil war era via reincarnation, and also have our present day lives with the one exception that you married me instead of Patrick. I’ve never loved another. I still love you. I always will. In my heart I imagine you feel the same and all it would take is one look into each other’s eyes to confirm it that our love never died, but just got put on hold while you went on a bad detour. We will probably have to wait to see each other on the other side because I believe very much so that the Son of G-d is set to return to this earth next year. I hope you will read my website and learn what you need to do to gain salvation. I’ll write it all out for you on this page later as I make updates. I want to see you in heaven. These years of separation from the only girl I ever loved have not been the happiest and an eternity without you I can’t imagine. So, happy 56th birthday and I hope to hear from you….

TO BE CONTINUED…. Sometime after the 23’rd of October 2020

UPDATE: 23/10/2020 4:25pm pst – Well, it’s not after the 23’rd of October her in California, but it is in Australia! lol Do I get credit? lol

I’ve put the Shabbes bread in the oven that’s been rising all afternoon. I fed a sourdough starter all week long, even took it outside onto the porch to gather some nature wild desert yeast for that local flavor. I’ve heard the natural yeast in the air in San Francisco makes the best sourdough bread in the world. I’m making two loaves of cinnamon-raisin bread for a friend (I don’t eat gluten because it causes arthritis), and I made one loaf of buckwheat bread. I purchase the whole buckwheat and turn it into flour in seconds in the NutraBullet. A little yeast, water and dash of sugar and salt and it makes the best non-gluten bread. BTW, don’t let the name “Buckwheat” fool you. I have no idea why they named it Buckwheat because it is no from the wheat family and has no gluten in it. Oh! The rabbit holes of story telling I go down sometimes! lol

Phyllis, I wanted to say Happy Birthday on your birthday today. I hope my card got to you without Patricks notice and no problems were caused. It’s not my desire to cause any trouble for you or Patrick. I may not like the fact that he is with you and your marriage to him was the biggest mistake of your life in some ways, but G-d made it happen because you had to learn a lesson. I don’t say that with a mean spirit, but everything that happens in our lives G-d is behind as a teaching tool to help us elevate our souls. You made a vow before G-d with Patrick and I support that vow. No matter how I feel, Patrick is your husband before G-d and it is my duty to respect that marriage even though my feelings are that I should have been your husband and we should be living happily ever after with grandchildren by now, a daughter named Jewel after your Father, a son named David after my Father, and who knows how many more G-d would have blessed us with. I know you said you had some medical issue that prevented you from having children, but you know what I believe about that? I believe G-d shut up your womb because you married the wrong man and having children with such an abusive man would have only been a horrible situation for you and the children, BUT, if you had children your protective motherly instinct may have given you the courage to leave Patrick to prevent the children from being abused the way Patrick has abused you over the years. He will pay for his sins on day.

Speaking of Patrick paying for his sins…. Someone else already paid for his sins and if you and I are to never meet again before our Savior returns I hold no ill will against Patrick and I would like both him and you to be saved.

You know how to pray and give your heart to G-d through Messiah Yashua. That’s a simple task. Just a prayer to ask for forgiveness for all your sins known and unknown and ask Him to come into your heart and be your teacher and Savior. Then according to ACTS 2:38 you must be baptised in the Name of Yashua for the remission of sins and this is when the Holy Spirit will come to dwell inside of you to lead and guide you into all truths. Yashua made it so easy for us, for you, for Patrick. If I never see you this side of Heaven again then I do want to see you in Heaven at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb even if Patrick is there too. lol Bible says that in Heaven we are known as we are known, but we are no longer married in Heaven like we were on earth. We have a whole new understand once released from the physical bonds of mortality on this earth.

In the event though that G-d should take Patrick before the rapture happens then I’d like you to consider raising grandchildren with me. We are old enough now to be grandparents. I was born when my grandmother was 50 and she was more like a mother to me than my mom ever was. There is still that little glimmer of hope. There are so many unfortunate children with no mother or father just dying of loneliness in orphanages all over this world who would be so happy to have loving parents

Well, anyway… I hope you got my card and it did not upset you, but I hope it made your heart feel good to know that I still love you and have your best interest at heart no matter what road your life has taken or will take in the future. If love someone set them free. If they return to you they are yours. If they don’t they never were yours…

I will write more of my thoughts to you here in time. This page is going to become a journal of my thoughts about you and us and what happened that forever changed both our lives “for better or for worse”…

“And they will hate the Whore and burn her with fire!”



REVELATION 15:1-18 And He says to me, ” The mayim ( “waters” Rv.17:1) which you saw, where the zonah (prostitute) sits, are amim (peoples) and multitudes and Goyim (Nations) and leshonot (languages). [YESHAYAH 8:7; YIRMEYAH 47:2]  And the eser (ten) horns which you saw and the Chayyah (Anti-Moshiach) –these will have sin’ah (hatred) for the zonah (prostitute), and they will make her desolate and naked and will eat her basar and will burn her up in eish. [YECHEZKEL 16:37,39] For Yahuah has put it into the levavot (hearts) of them to accomplish his purpose by their acting with one mind and by giving their malchut (kingdom) to the Chayyah (Anti-Mosiach) until will be fulfilled the divrei (Words) of Yahuah. [YIRMEYAH 39:16]  And the Isha (Woman) whom you saw is the Ir Hagedolah (Great City) that rules over the melachim (kings) of ha’aretz.




40 YEARS did the Y’israelites wander in the wilderness while the Melek HaOlam (King of the Universe) slowly brought them out of their pagan ways they learned in Egypt. They left their homes behind in the land of Goshen in Egypt and headed out for lands unknown to a place called “The Promised Land”.

A parallel in my own life and the life of my Jewish family is uncanny. My mother was born and raised in Goshen, Kentucky that was named after The Land of Goshen in the Bible. It’s just a small place about 30 miles from Louisville that only counted 909 residents in the 2010 Census. Most of my ancestors lived and died in Goshen. My grandfather is buried there with his mother and father and other family members.

Another parallel is that I came to the knowledge of “G-d” at age 17. Fast forward 40 years and here I am having just found out a few days ago that my grandfather’s grandparents on his father’s side were Jewish. How is it that now exactly 40 years later like the 40 years wandering in the wilderness that have found out I’m part of the lost sheep of Israel and now I can literally make aliyah to the Promised Land. What to do? What to do? Truth is stranger than fiction.

I’m quite overwhelmed and amazed at how “G-d” has done this thing. I feel like it’s time to fasten my seatbelt cause the ride is going to get really crazy.

Ever since the year 2000 when I woke up and realized that Christianity was the cursed Whore of Babylon and we must “come out of her” and keep the Torah it felt very natural to me to want to be observant like if I were Jewish. Now, 20 years later I find you I AM JEWISH! I’ve been letting this news settle in the last few days….


The Identity of The Two Witnesses


Well, now… if that ain’t click bait I don’t know what is! It is truly one of the most interesting of the last of the Last Days subjects. Many have pondered which of the Saint’s or Prophets of old will be returning (re-incarnating) to become the two witnesses spoken of in the Book of Revelation.

Some believe that two witnesses will not literally be two individuals, but perhaps they will be the two olive tree’s of Judah and Ephraim Messianic believers who will be witnessing about Yeshua in the last days.