I WAS A VICTIM OF THE TRANSGENDER MOVEMENT
Last Update: 12/11/18
Once upon a time I was touted as one of the top 10 transsexual women successes in the world, but that was before I created this website in 2003 and was forever after labeled a transsexual traitor/regretter. My transition from male to female began at age 17 after a suicide attempt that landed me in the psychiatric ward. In 1988 I traveled the last leg of my 7-year Harry Benjamin Standards of Care journey from my home in Dagenham, England to Brussels, Belgium where I had what used to be called sexchange surgery, now referred to as “gender affirmation surgery”. By all post operative evidence I was a shining example of a “true transsexual” even having married a man who didn’t know my transsexual secret. How the hell did such a successful 20-year post-operative transition go down the tubes?
Before I get into all the particulars that seem to have me at odds with the gender conflicted community, and the unethical medical professionals that support them, I want to say a few compassionate things about those who consider themselves transsexuals. I believe those living through the nightmare of a gender disorder should be treated with respect. I’m not against them being helped. They should not be denied the help they need. This begins where I get labeled anti-transsexual however because I don’t believe gender conflicted individuals are getting all they help they need be able to make a fully informed decision that will not end up in regret further down the road. The pro-trans movement doesn’t want a single trans person to explore the idea that they may be rejecting their male birth sex due to psychological reasons related to their environment and poor parenting. They fear psychological reparative therapy more than a fire fears water. I want 100% of people struggling with gender issues to have a happy ending and not regret the normal and good life they could have had if they had only gotten the right help. There is no surgery that can every bring back the penis once it’s been mutilated.
The militant pro-transsexual movement would like to brush me off and refer to my experience as a mere cautionary tale. I’ve even seen such ridiculous things written on the Internet that they say I am but 1 of 5 transsexual regretters world-wide! Five fearless public figures does not account for the thousands world-wide that live in the shadow of shame or no longer have a voice because they committed suicide. Some say things to delegitimize me like I was never truly a transsexual at all because I wasn’t a normal XY chromosomal man with a mental illness, as transsexualism is defined. Some trans folk will disagree with the “normal XY theorist” camp saying that transsexualism is an intersex condition of the brain due to improper brain development from the fetal default of female to male in the 6-8 week differentiation of the fetus period.
During my 7 years of preoperative Harry Benjamin Standards of Care therapy for the transsexual patient it was never once suggested to seek any organic reason for my gender dysphoria like taking a simple blood test to check my chromosomes. Gender Identity Disorder is defined as a mental disorder, not a biological/physical disorder, and the only approved treatment is to facilitate access for the patient to pursue the quickest path forwards towards their goal of transformation or else you are risking suicide of the patient. The trans community rejects therapists who want go in-depth questioning the possibility that their gender confusion could be cured and permanent life-changing surgeries could be avoided. Such a medically ethical approach could cost pro-trans therapist a paying client. So, therapists cave to suicidal blackmail and only offer Gender Affirmation Services that in no way challenge their mental disorder. Physicians know that transsexuals can order estrogen pills online with no gatekeepers so they try to retain clients by only saying yes. Therapists also know that all one needs to get approval for a surgical imitation of a female vagina is a simple psychiatric/psychological evaluation where the patient doesn’t even have to disclose their reason for wanting it.
It was only after I began to chronical here what the militant pro-trans movement called my “publically messy detransition” that I found out I had an intersex chromosome pattern. The transsexual movement’s claim is that you can’t be a so-called true transsexual unless you are a fully masculinized XY chromosomal male who can present no biological evidence for your mental disorder of feeling like a woman trapped in a man’s body. For them it’s all about the imagined gender between your ears, however transsexuals live in a constant state of angst while hoping and praying for some biological evidence to one day surface that will vindicate them and remove the diagnosis of mental illness called Gender Identity Disorder as listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). On the other hand however, if you remove the diagnosis of mental illness then insurance won’t pay for certain gender affirming services, including hormones and surgery.
Having an intersex chromosome pattern may actually give me some legitimate biological evidence for being at odds with my birth sex unlike the average transsexual who wishes there was some evidence of their condition besides their imagination. When I discovered my intersex status it was a shock to my system that gave me pause. I had to question if having a legit excuse for my gender confusion was enough reason to continue living as a woman who was not a woman at all. Being a transsexual that passes completely only adds to the heartache of knowing you really are not a woman and never will be. I wanted the normal and traditional human life experience of having a husband and being a mother to children. Throughout my entire transsexual journey I completely fit the medical definition for a “true transsexual” and my experiences matched up with all my transsexual friends. My newly found intersex status wasn’t going to change the dissatisfying experiences of the last 20 years. I knew I’d been deceived by a fraudulent medical minority basing their gender affirming therapies on pseudo science based on the experiences of transsexuals.
Transsexuals blackmail their doctors with suicide threats and claim the only reparative therapy for their mental disorder can be hormonal and surgical treatments to create a physical manifestation of the sex they imagine themselves to be. That’s like saying instead using psychotherapy to help couples dealing with domestic violence you should instead surgically remove the offending parts of the body that are responsible for the physical violence. Sounds more like punishment than a rational reparative treatment, right? Makes one think of Christian Bible verses like, “If thy eye offend thee, pluck it out”. Here you get some of the origins for the delusional thinking that your birth sex was somehow a mistake and living as your imaginary sex is the cure for your mental illness.
The transsexual militants say I’m angry at myself for making such a terrible mistake in life. Nothing could be further from the truth, but this is part of their smoke and mirrors approach to try to delegitimize and shut down a voice they do not want being a wrecking ball to their movement. I have never said I made a mistake. My decision to go through all I did to try to switch my sex from male to female was absolutely and without a doubt the right decision at the time based on the information, counseling, and medical advice I received during 7 years of participating in the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. It was the ill-informed trans-supportive physicians who made the mistake. I’m angry at the unethical physicians, not myself. I was gleeful for someone to medically legitimize my feelings and give me the okay to put on makeup and feminine attire. That type of positive support was pure euphoria after so many years of my effeminate behavior being the reason my peers and family bullied me. The mission then becomes to hormonally and surgically perfect yourself so well that all who see you will admit that nature had to have made a mistake and that you should have been born female!
Before reading the rest of this article may I suggest you listen to a video on Youtube ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mtQ1geeD_c ) of a speech given by Dr. Quentin Van Meter who was part of the support team at John Hopkins Hospital in the U.S.A. where the whole transsexual epidemic started and later spread to the rest of the world through the Internet. Dr. Van Meter had a change of heart based on his own work with transsexuals and real peer reviewed studies an is now falsely labeled an anti-transsexual activist.
Over the past 15 years I have been written to by hundreds of pre and post operative transsexuals around the world that have expressed regrets with transition. The urban myth in the transsexual world is there are only a handful of regretters around the world, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I may be one voice out of a handful that have spoken out publicly, but most “destransitioners” have wanted to return to normal lives and leave their shame behind them. Not every former transsexual is cut out to be what some might call an anti-transsexual activist.
Those who have lived long enough will tell you that no journey worth taking is ever easy, but I’d say I was one of the lucky ones. The finished product of my transition was a person that looked and sounded convincingly female. I was full of hope and happy. I felt I had full integrated into society as if I were a natural born female. What I thought was another notch in my belt, marrying a man I did not reveal my dark transsexual secret to, was a regretful deception that became the first crack in the mirror. The peace and euphoria I’d found in this transsexual process was coming to a end. That right decision of years ago was quickly coming into question as Reality 2.o was about to kick in.
I am but one of many voices that the militant pro-transsexual movement would like to shut down. If I were just one voice that might be a different story, but there is a tsunami of many voices speaking out about being lead down a primrose path by a misguided pro-transsexual movement and the greedy, unethical, so-called medical experts that promote their movement. What happened to “Do no harm”? Greed happened, that’s what.
What I hear most from transgenders is that in retrospect they wish they would have been challenged by a therapist to discover the true origins of their mental disorder that caused them to question and eventually reject their birth sex instead of mostly receiving gender identity affirmative therapy. Dr. Kenneth Zucker has had great success helping children and adults to find their way back to embracing their natal sex. All their issues that drove them to reject their birth sex get healed and their neurosis disappear. Over and over again transgenders tell me things like they felt they had a lack of male energy and male bonding in their formative years due to uninvolved, weak, absent, or nonexistent fathers, living in an all feminine world as mother’s little helper or grandma’s little helper. Many talk of mothers who constantly exhibited a hatred of males for one reason or another. These are but a few of the common themes transgenders speak about to me.
Being more than 30 years post-op I can look back on my life events of the past half a century with a lot more clarity than I did when I was reacting to those events. I’m no longer the ignorant impressionable kid that is embarrassed when I’m told I’d make a better girl than a boy because I’m so good at helping out in the kitchen. I’m no longer the 12-year-old pubescent boy with gynecomastia being asked why I have boobs. I’m no longer a 19-year-old who has just gotten my first cross-sex hormone shot and feels like I know everything there is to know about being a transsexual.
I had nearly 20 years of living as an “invisible” transsexual before I also was no longer one of those. I never wanted to be known as a transsexual and therefore hid my secret, even from my first husband. The biggest catalyst that precipitated beginning of the end for me was letting go of hiding my transsexual status. Pretending to be female wasn’t working and I thought embracing my transsexual status publically would help me. Forever forsaking hiding in plain sight as a stealth transsexual I took to the Internet in 1998 with a Geocities free webpage to begin a dialog with others in an effort to be an out and proud post-op transsexual role model for others. However misguided that venture was it got me asking the hard questions about the legitimacy of the whole transsexual phenomenon. More importantly I was now re-examining my own life now through a lense that wasn’t being influenced by a militant pro-trans movement and my own internal drive to reject my birth sex. I had taken off the rose-colored glasses.
The trans movement leads you down a primrose path with positive words and phrases of affirmation like “sex change”. You don’t really get your sex changed. There is no such thing as a sexchange operation! You can only have your true sex organs elaborately disguised with cosmetic surgery. This is why the trans movement has stealthfully begun using it’s new ridiculous phrase, “Gender Affirmation Surgery”, to describe this cosmetic procedure so they cannot be blamed for selling snake oil to unsuspecting victims. The unethical medical community has followed suit and now advertises Gender Affirmation Services. What happened to the medical oath, “Do no harm”? Doctors nowadays see it as “Do no harm to my great new lucrative source of income”.
Who in the hell is responsible for a 2-year-old boy even having the vocabulary range to ask his mother the question, “When is the good fairy going to come with her magic wand and change my penis into a vagina?” The good fairy is fake. Magic wands are fake. A cosmetic surgery vagina is just as fake. The surgical work of art between my legs is not a vagina. Instead of a paint brush the artist used a knife. Like a painting hung on a wall each and every viewer could have their own interpretation of what they saw–a vagina, a mutilated penis, or a just a big mess. No straight guy will ever accept a disguised penis as a vagina. Any guy who claims to be straight and goes for a transsexual has more issues than a transsexual. I’ve seen this to be true in my many years of dealing with the “chasers” and tons of my transsexual friends concur. This is why so many transsexuals become sex workers to exploit those men who have a sexual attraction to women who have a penis between their legs.
My transsexual journey was supposed to give me peace, but I realized I had only traded one hell for another. No real healing had been done. I didn’t become a woman. My gender identity disorder had just morphed from woman trapped in a man’s body to woman trapped in a transsexual woman’s body. This was where the dissatisfaction began that inspired a deeper look at the man behind the curtain. Moral of the story– don’t go down this path unless you are fully prepared to accept you will only ever be viewed by others as an alternative lifestyle male to female transsexual, a circus side show freak, an oddity, a curiosity, an intriguing individual, or perhaps worse! For this reason the majority of transsexuals contemplate suicide. Who can ever know the true percentage of transsexuals that attempt suicide or are successful at ending their own lives? Some say it is 40% and that number is totally unacceptable when there is an alternative that is life affirming. Many feel there is no way out, but I am living proof that if you are unhappy as a transsexual you can reverse all the crap you did to yourself and start a new chapter. Again though, if you are happy living the life of an imaginary woman and find fulfillment in that then by all means continue! Just do your own thing though and don’t try to influence anyone else’s thinking in such a situation. It’s a terrible thing to feel the guilt of having blood on your hands for leading someone else down a bad path.
In psychology we deal with people having adjustment disorders. Transsexualism is just another adjustment disorder where the overtly feminine or gay male has a very difficult time processing how others react to his overtly feminine personality. This can include how the feminine boy’s father may withdraw from him and discontinue the bonding process that leads to the development of a secure masculine personality and behavior. If you want you can recover from transsexualism. However, if you are happy and have adjusted well to living proudly as a transsexual that’s okay too! Being a woman trapped in a gay man’s body is also okay. Not all women trapped in men’s bodies make the decision to become transsexuals and that is just fine. While we have compassion for the mentally ill we also try to lead them away from continuing to be ill. That is the true nature of love and compassion. We look out for our fellow humans so they don’t fuck their lives up.
At age 17 I began seeing a psychotherapist because I was having a hard time understanding my own journey as an obvious effeminate male. I saw a succession of therapists before I eventually took the plunge. I was 24 years old when in 1988 I had penile inversion technique surgery by Dr. Michael Seghers of Brussels, Belgium (retired). I considered my penis sexually useless until Dr. Seghers skillfully remodeled it to look and function similar to a female vagina. Note that I am specific that the cosmetic surgery didn’t create a vagina, but only remodeled my penis to look and function like a female vagina. No magic fairy dust was sprinkled that turns the penis into a real vagina. Unlike a real female vagina, my remodeled penis still ejaculates from the urethra just like any normal man’s penis does. Women do not ejaculate from their urethra.
After that brief introduction, now is probably a good time to tell you more about myself and what motivates me. A simple Internet search on me or this website will reveal tons of chat room conversations and other websites full of ridiculous lies about me from people writing about me who don’t even know me. I found one site where they say I’m a Canadian. I have never lived in Canada, nor am I a Canadian citizen, but their story on me goes on and on complaining how I cost the Canadian tax payers hundreds of thousands of dollars in surgery fees. Transsexual activists go off the rails trying every way they can to delegitimize my testimony and my recommendations on how to treat those who want to live in opposition to their birth sex. Why the fake news? Why not just get my story from me? I even have a couple documentaries out there I did about my life. Trannsexuals will lie and use every trick to try to delegitimize myself or anyone who challenges their mental disorder instead of affirming it.
What I want people to take away about Josef Kirchner is that I have nothing but compassion for people who are suffering from gender confusion. I’ve been there, done that, and I’m writing the book on healing from gender confusion! Some feel it is contradictory of me to say I am compassionate and supportive of the GID person while also trying to convince them they are suffering from a curable mental disorder. Such is the job of the psychotherapist! Certainly, I am not alone as someone who had to endure this journey before I realized what errors were made along the way. Hindsight is always 20/20. All of us were subject to those who influenced us along the way whether it was fathers, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, medical professionals, or other misguided transsexuals. I am a person who does not believe in having regrets about anything because everything happens for a reason. What some want to call regrets are only great gifts of opportunity the universe offers us to create wisdom.
I’m not quite the motivated town crier I used to be about this subject and there are so many other people trying to get transsexuals the right help they need. I’ll be adding to this website as the Universe gives me the nudge. Feel feel to reach out whether you want to send hate mail or love mail at the email address above. If there is anything I have written that you have an issue with I’m glad to have a discussion about the facts as long as you don’t want to make personal attacks. I’m not one to footnote facts in this day and age where the Internet is already an instant source of footnotes on facts.